my shoulder.

if you are reading this blog, you are probably someone that i care about a lot. or maybe you read my blog and we are strangers and do not know each other. and that is great and makes me really happy. but, i most likely know most of you and care about you a lot. so i am going to ask you to do something for me that sounds pretty simple but takes discipline. it's going to take us getting out of our routine of fiddling with the radio too much or texting (even short texts) or putting on makeup or reaching to the back seat to get something. the list goes on and on. what i am going to ask you to do is:

pay attention while you drive.

pay attention like your (or someone else's) life depends on it. because our lives do depend on this. and it takes a split second to change that for yourself, or someone else. and if you don't like this post because it's not fun and my voice doesn't sound optimistic, feel free to stop reading now. you already read the line i want you to read.

pay attention while you drive.

yesterday i was hit by a dodge ram 1500 truck going 35mpg. i was driving a civic. it wasn't pretty but i'm not going to get into the details because that is not really the point. i am not writing this post so everyone will feel bad for me and my busted shoulder or anything like that. i am not fishing for anything. i am fine. i am lucky and it could have been a lot worse. but i just want people to pay attention while they drive. i am definitely guilty of zoning out and not giving the road, myself, and other drivers my undivided attention. we all are. i just want us to stop for a minute and try to do something, do anything really, to change that.

i've now been in two pretty serious car wrecks and like i said before, if you are reading this blog i think i care about you a lot. i hope none of you ever have to close your eyes tight as fear on wheels heads towards you. in the shortest and longest second of your life. because you know that car or suv or truck is about to change your life forever. in one way or another. and you aren't sure if your eyes will open again to see the rest of it all play out. i am fortunate enough to have walked away from these scenarios with minor injuries. but not everyone is that blessed. and i don't want to sound like that cliche story of "i thought i was going to die and this is what i learned from it". i actually just really want you to pay attention. because sometimes the things that don't happen, but could have, are what make all the difference. the "what if" questions that we toss around in our minds and that make us sad and make us analyze and that ultimately, make us different people. i'm typing this with one hand as my other arm hangs out in my new sling. the opposite ending, the different outcome, the thing that didn't happen is finally not on my mind for a minute and the thing that did happen is begging me to do something good with it. life is good.

life is good. so don't miss it. go pay attention. pay attention while you drive. but also just pay attention in general. i think we'll all be sad and regretful in the end if we miss the point.

go pay attention to people. thank people for who they are and go eat good food and compliment your friends who made it. and stop wondering about what life doesn't hand you and be excited for the rest.

*if anyone hears me complaining about my shoulder injury and/or my sling in the coming days... this is me giving you 100% authority to tell me to shut up. because yes it hurts. a lot. and yes i can't really use my arm that much. but i live with people with mental and physical disabilities. some of them always have to use a walker. or even a wheelchair. and they don't bitch every minute of every day. they didn't ask for their disability and it wasn't their fault. same with my accident, but this will be over in a few weeks. they are joyful and they are thankful for the abilities they do have. so please, tell me i'm a diva brat and to shove it if i complain about 1 week of my life being ruined by a little shoulder sling.

my little red wagon.

i've been thinking a lot lately about associations. and how our mind does this funny thing where it grabs hold of something small - a scent, a piece of clothing, a song- and associates it with something big. happy things and sad things. today in the car i was thinking about my associations and how i think the boston red sox's are my brother's team. but then i laugh at myself and realize the sox's are millions' team. i also think the smell of summer and dirty lake water and bbq'ing belongs only to my nana's dock. when in actuality, these are smells everyone knows and probably associates with their own families and their laid-back summer traditions alike.

as i drove and thought about my tendency to assume these associations as my own at first i laughed at myself a little. but then it made me a little sad. because i came to realize that bud light lime and veggie burgers on a porch mean something different to someone else a thousand miles away. and i don't like that. it's my thing. people are stealing my things. my associations that warm me like a blanket and creep in just when i need them. the little things that remind me of my people, my places, my experiences - there are other people in the world using the same little things for different purposes. at first it made me a little emotional but this was not alarming as we all know i get emotional when overtired. i was not phased by this reaction.

so after panera was paired with a good conversation about family, on a rainy ride home i began to change my view on this. my associations are still mine. and yours are yours. and someone else might walk on broken glass to a different beat than i do, but they are still walking on broken glass. and in the end, maybe that is all that matters. dirty lake water is my childhood and my brother's team is the red sox. my friends from home are a cult and my friends from college are barbies, a sisterhood, aspiring social workers, mymom-ers and boys who lived in a place called p-run. and when life reminds me of those near and dear to me, however that may look, i am always struck with a feeling that is hard to describe. it's not all happy and not all sad. not all good and of course not bad. how i associate people and places and experiences, the good, the bad, the ugly, and how it all strings together is so real for me. it is so real that sometimes i wish i could turn the part of my brain that makes associations off. sometimes it's easier to just press on and not be reminded and forever affected by silly things. like sara bareilles and dave's taverna and having 4 or more people in a bathroom at once. what has affected me and therefore changed me is so powerful that i can't ignore it. even if i try. so i have to believe it's all a part of my story for a good reason.

so. the road of life stretches forward and i look ahead, but pull a little red wagon of associations behind me. where i am is hard to explain. it's like a big sip of nostalgic, bitter-sweet tea. it's not always quite the same, but it always tastes good. it gives me the energy to walk on.

still snowing...

i didn't take this picture. i actually don't know who did. i just saw it on the internet once. but the crazy thing is this picture is the exact image i see when i look out the window of my house from the second floor. especially with the snow falling. that is an image i am very used to. it's april 5th and it's snowing today. i thought we had sprung. oh well?

the roof is my place (when it's not snowing of course) mom- if you're reading this, don't worry i will not fall off the roof. it's fine really. i know you worry but i am 23 and i am not going to play on the roof and fall off. i just like to sit there. sometimes with my roommates, sometimes alone. it's nice to be still up there and see the world happening from a quieter, higher place. and the air feels good on the roof. and the phone calls from the roof feel a little more inspired, a little more real. it's a place to go and be, and leave it there. sometimes conversations and thoughts show themselves on the roof. but what i love... they always stay there. they stay where they belong.

(no title).

wearing many hats.

working in someones house is a very interesting thing. because there isn't one main thing i do. there are a lot of things i do. so it's not a "normal" job in the sense of my gmail is always up or i am constantly next to the phone or i even use a computer at all in a day. i actually love the days that i don't the most. when you're working in someone else's house, and your goal is to help them complete daily tasks of living and create home, often times responding to an email or writing notes doesn't seem like the priority at a given moment. and those things are important (i don't want anyone to think i'm not responsible. i am completing the logistical aspects of my assignment) it's just that finding an old box of hats when you help someone organize their room calls for trying them all on and taking pictures in sepia. because it's just more fun that way. and when you work in someones house, you can't be all business. which is such a gift to me. in those little moments it reminds me why i'm here. it reminds me why i said yes to this often frustrating role - because it's not all about me. and in my discomfort and in the challenges i face, that is what it always boils down to. it's not all about me. we think it's all about us, but it's not. and it's really hard to give that desire up and let it go and have it be about other people and the experiences we share with them. because we are wired to think "me, me, me." and in the few moments that i actually live that truth out, i am continually reminded of how rewarding it is to do what i think we were made to do - embark on this journey together.

my 'companion' in L'Arche... isn't she adorable? :)

we've sprung.

although in terms of the weather in syracuse it is not technically spring yet, in my mind - we've sprung. and i guess that's all that really matters. i've sprung in every way possible. it's still cold out but my winter coat is collecting dust in the closet. and i've let some sunlight into the blog and my roommate is making sweet tea. usually in the spring i feel the urge to cut off all my hair. i'm not sure why. if you've ever cut a large amount of your hair off before, i'm sure you can relate to that "i just lost five pounds, weight-off-my-shoulders, freeing feeling" that comes with it. to say goodbye to winter, i give myself a lighter step into the next season. shed some of the winter blues and suffocating feelings of being trapped inside during blizzards. i also don't cut my hair much, so this is also probably why the timing always lines up.

this year in my attempt to spring myself forward, i left the hair as is (loving it & it's not long enough to donate yet) and on a whim, pierced my nose instead. my dad is worried. he thinks i'm going to want a tattoo next week now. dad's are funny when they worry about their daughters. it bugs me sometimes but mostly it makes me laugh. i'm still the same. still me. still dre. still (kind of) his little girl. the only difference is there's a very small diamond on my nose. i like it - just a little shimmer. a little something.

and what i've learned in my short 23 years of life thus far is that sometimes it doesn't take much for someone to feel like they shine. all we really want is to be around people who make us shine a little. and there's nothing wrong with that. we all embody something in us that is light and free and joyful and good. when our insecurities kick in and we convince ourselves to push that down rather than radiate it outwards... well, that is when we get ourselves into a pickle.

you should watch this. put the volume up loud. it's a happy and sunny song/video. perfect for springing forward...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8YCSJpF4g4

be you. be free. and most importantly, don't be afraid to shine.

i am a somebody.

my friend fell on her face. sometimes it happens. and people pick us back up and we keep going. her knee gave out and she slammed her face on the pavement outside the salvation army. and she's feisty and cute as it is - so with double black eyes she's even more adorable. i didn't think that was possible. so after a crazy week/weekend, including a 5 plus hour trip to the er, i am glad to be watching a special on the oprah network on maya angelou. about life and poetry and learning and the importance of home. and that our purpose is to live from our center and out of love. i love sunday nights. and being alone upstairs in this house. just the other day i was thinking about how "my house" is handicap accessible. oh, how cool.

this morning in church a woman who i didn't recognize (which is unusual - i often recognize the lector since i'm always there) talked about how we are all somebody. we are skilled and gifted and loved and good. pretty inspirational yet wonderfully simple. the 4 year old girl in this video was part of the woman's motivation...

http://wimp.com/amsomebody/

the grey-green eyes that lock with mine every sunday as we sing the our father looked a little different today. at first glance, they were swarmed and surrounded by an army of bruises. and then, they were soft, kind, and begging for acceptance. and as much as a person or a situation can frustrate, upset, and challenge me... it's never anything that a powerful stare (especially when accompanied by the piano) can't 180. and i love when life turns things around for us. in a small moment. we fall, and we get back up.